Restoring the Peace When You + Your Spouse Are Having A Different Quarantine Experience

These quarantine days initially began with lots of emotions and “unspokens” in the Smith household. 2020 came in like a flood with lots of unexpected grief and the accompanying need to push emotions down until all that had happened could be processed.

Well that time to process didn’t happen.

Once the shelter in place order hit Austin, there was no room to grieve. No room to voice frustrations and fears. No room to cry and be “undone” because I had to remain functioning for my family and for my husband who was suddenly working long hours. The switch to staying safe at home started to become a why-does-he-get-to-leave mental battle. I knew it was irrational and he was working but to me it translated as you still get to see people you love and you’re “in this together” with them–NOT ME–while I’m home alone with our sweet boys, and my fear and unprocessed grief.

…I was too busy being angry with my husband for not being around that I hadn’t taken the time to ask myself, “What do I need right now?”

By the end of week two, I’d completely unraveled. I honestly don’t know what triggered it but I simply remember sobbing in my kitchen and telling my husband I was freaking out and terrified. I was finally grieving and he wasn’t around for me to share that I’d been struggling, and I felt awful that I couldn’t make myself okay. He comforted me and held me and I cried a good amount of the tears I’d been stuffing down since my grandmother’s passing. And then my husband asked me a question I had absolutely no answer to:

How can I help you?

No idea.

Hadn’t thought about it. Honestly, I was too busy being angry with my husband for not being around that I hadn’t taken the time to ask myself, “What do I need right now?” I needed to be honest with my husband and tell him I was drowning. I needed to stop believing the lie that my emotions would be a burden to him. I needed space to cry and be held, even if our boys were concurrently hanging onto my legs. I needed to FaceTime my girlfriends and see their faces and hear their voices. I needed to take a drive to get out of the house. I needed the reassurance that the reality of my heart grieving in this #socialdistancing season was acceptable and normal.

I also needed to stop blaming my husband for not having the same struggles I was experiencing. He was processing his own stressors and weights and just because he didn’t express his angst the same way I did, didn’t mean he was immune to the drastic shift in life and normalcy. I needed to realize that he’d been holding down the emotional-fort because his wife had become spacey and slightly detached due to grieving several awful events for the past four months. I needed to accept that my husband carried different weights and God created him to process in a unique way that would allow the both of us to help and compliment one another.

...All I wanted to do was make sure our home was peaceful and joyful and a safe place for BOTH of us to process our worlds being flipped upside down…

Once I remembered the truth that we are a team and we are walking through a really difficult and scary time in our world, together, my mentality shifted. My heart shifted. Now, all I wanted to do was make sure our home was peaceful and joyful and a safe place for BOTH of us to process our worlds being flipped upside down with grace, compassion and understanding. I began to see my husband as a full human being—complex and beautiful and full of emotions that were expressed through the divine design of our Lord, not through my preferences.

The road to restoring peace in our home while every bit of the world felt chaotic and frantic, was having a conversation that “reset” the base of our home. I began to open up more about how I would feel on certain days and he would in turn do the same. This allowed us the opportunity to be vulnerable and pray for one another. This opened up the door to allow God into a new level of conversation for me and my husband and He began to bless it. And by bless it, I mean we both had the freedom to have hard days. We both had the freedom to say, “I need a break.” We both had the freedom to say, “I’m overwhelmed.”

Grace and time is needed to find your footing as a couple in this season—as a person in this season. Peace will not fall into your lap and suddenly overcome your home. It is a direct result of expressing and extinguishing the whirlwind within your mind and soul through talking, praying, listening to understand and refocusing your attention. Some days will simply be hard, that’s okay. Expect it, accept it but don’t dwell on it.

When I feel like the peace in our home is being attacked, I counter it with a few go-tos I’d like to share with you. Try, sift, and adjust!

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Ideas To Restore Peace
In Your Home

1. Fill your home with peaceful music. (Instrumental Worship by Hillsong on Piano is a fav)

2. Give your spouse a super long smooch to raise your happy hormones.

3. Ask your spouse to pray for a specific area of your heart and ask your spouse how their heart is doing.

4. Shut down social media and dive into spending time with your family. (Get eye-level with your kiddos if you have any and have hilarious toddler-conversations.)

5. Fill your home with a calming fragrance via candle, oils, etc. and do some breathing exercises.

6. Go outside and listen to nature. Get some sun. (Take allergy meds beforehand if you’re like me!)

7. Pray throughout the day over your house, marriage, kids, etc.

8. Remind yourself that you’re a team and this is a hard moment, but “this too shall pass.”

9. Have a date night. Snuggle and get some good QT.

10. Have some alone time. Sometimes you simply need a chance to introvert.

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I could go on but these are all things that work for me. You know what restores a sense of peace within your heart and your home, and if those things aren’t working, TRY SOMETHING NEW. Don’t just settle for chaos and dissension in your home, take control and put what you know into action. Take your peace back as many times as necessary!

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash