Functional Depression

There’s a dark place in depression that allows you to be functional but only outside of your home. You can engage people, smile, work, hold conversations but collapse when you get home.

Before I met my husband, I was in a serious relationship headed towards marriage with someone else. I was 21, he was 22. We had our entire lives ahead of us until a series of illnesses left him in severe pain and on life support. We’d just gotten back from a weekend vacation full of laughter and new memories, and within a week I was standing bedside holding his swollen hand while his family prepared to cease respiratory assistance. Nothing in this world prepared me for the grief I’d encounter once we’d honored and buried him. My incredibly strong mommy had to bathe, dress, feed and do my hair while I sat weeping, unable to move. I can’t imagine the weight she felt caring for me while also caring for my little brother and baby sister.

I didn’t want to die, I just wanted him alive.

One day we had to drive a family friend home from church and I was in the worst mood. I wanted to go home and sleep because that’s where I saw him—he was alive in my dreams. Every morning I woke up to the realization that he was gone, which only fed into my deep depression. We dropped off our friend and when we embraced she held me tightly and began to cry. “If you stay here, you will go where he is,” she said, and I knew exactly what she meant.

I didn’t want to die, I just wanted him alive. I broke down in her arms and began to tell myself, “You will live. You will not go where he is.” From that moment on, every morning–every heart-wrenching moment–I declared life over my broken heart. Over time, with the Lord, my Mommy’s help, and the tender hugs and kisses from my siblings, the darkness lifted. Once I was able, I sought professional counseling to work through and process the loss and life change I’d experienced.

Depression is a massive force and can swallow you whole if you don’t seek help. Please don’t wait until it becomes larger than you can handle. If you’re in or close to Austin, a therapist I strongly recommend is Merry Fiske Anderson at Wellspring Counseling.

Photo by Kory Williams on Unsplash