I See You.

This is a very vulnerable picture of me and our sweet Charlie. He was only with us for a few months but when we lost him it had felt like a lifetime. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for the heartache of his loss on my first Mother’s Day. Nothing could have prepared my heart for the look of fear on my husband’s face when he saw me in that Target where we lost him; that I had mentally shut down.

I couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t get not one thought out and that scared me too-I was losing my mind. No one warned me that miscarriage causes intense pain because your body is moving out what no longer is needed.  I passed out on our couch from my body being in shock for so long once the pain meds kicked in, while my husband was on the phone with dear friends trying to figure out how to help me.

No one told me how lonely the grief is when you and your husband process loss differently, and the resentment that comes for your soul.

No one told me that the common response from loved ones would be “at least you know you can get pregnant,” and how infuriating and empty those words feel while also carrying the need to validate their comments because you know they mean well even though their words feel awful. Miscarriage is so common and yet no one really talks about it due to the shame that rushes in because you feel like your body let your husband and child down.

When I would open up to my husband about my heartache, I found that his heart was also hurting…

To every woman, every couple, that is walking through this journey, I see you and I’m praying for you. You are not alone even if you feel completely alone and isolated. To the beautiful woman who feels like her body is broken, it’s your heart that is now broken, not your body. Pray and grieve but also talk to your spouse about how you feel. When I would open up to my husband about my heartache, I found that his heart was also hurting and we’d end up crying and praying together, and the loneliness and bitterness that was starting to settle in against him would be released through our tears and love for one another.

You will survive this and missing your little, even if you never had the chance to embrace him/her, is perfectly ok and normal.💕

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