Times of stress and tension in marriage are common. Unfortunately, dealing with them in a healthy way is less common. Sometimes the tension is overwhelming. Sometimes we’re just too tired to deal with it and we hope it will magically disappear. Sometimes it is the same old problem rearing its ugly head over and over again and we feel defeated and powerless against it. I don’t pretend to know your situation or struggle but I do know there are ways to combat and overcome these times of tension, even when circumstances do not change.
My husband and I have been married for 21 years. During this time we have faced serious illness, infertility and miscarriage but when our day-to-day irritations are allowed to build up, they hold just as much potential to damage our relationship as our major situations did. David and I process things very differently. (Is ANYONE married to someone who sees things through the same lens? I’d love to know how that works in a relationship!) I am an extreme verbal processor. I ask all the questions. I say all the words that pop into my head in an effort to make sense of them and I tend to try to think of the worst possible scenario so that just in case it happens, I’m not caught off-guard or ill-prepared.
…When our day-to-day irritations are allowed to build up, they hold just as much potential to damage our relationship as our major situations did.
David, my husband, has significantly fewer thoughts in any given moment and uses significantly fewer words to process them. He’s much more of an internal processor and refuses to go to the worst-case scenario. (Luckily, he has me to go there for him!) When we start to go down a rabbit hole of destructive arguments or careless words, we have a few go-tos under our belts.
The first is to physically separate ourselves from each other or determine to just shut our mouths. I like to finish saying all the things I’m thinking but sometimes that is adding fuel to the fire or even worse, extinguishing the “good fire” between us. Once we gain control over our irritation or our anger, we can come together again to hopefully peacefully resolve the situation. *Disclaimer- I’m not talking about serious fights about really deep wounds here. That is another conversation for another day. I’m talking about tension and day-to-day arguments over what, if we’re honest, is utterly ridiculous.* When we get ourselves together, we pray together. Psalm 17:6 says, “I call on you, my God, for You will answer me; turn Your ear to me and hear my prayer” and Psalm 102:17 says, “He will respond to the prayer of the destitute, He will not despise their plea.” We know we have a God who sees us and hears our prayers.
…A good laugh with your beloved can cover a multitude of irritations.
For David and me, humor is a powerful weapon against stress and tension in our marriage. We have very similar senses of humor although, if you know him, his is a little more edgy than mine. Often, in the middle of an argument, one of us will say something wildly off topic and perhaps wildly inappropriate, that will completely turn the tide of the conversation. You’ve got to be careful and really read your spouse in these moments because this can backfire quickly but if you can inject a little humor into the situation or realize the insanity of it all, it really can be a blessing.
An example of this happened to us quite a few years ago. We were in the car arguing about something I can’t even remember but I.was.hot! I balled up my fists, shook them with all my might, and screamed, “I AM SO MAD AT YOU!” The utter ridiculousness of a grown woman behaving like a toddler was overwhelming and he burst into fits of laughter. In a moment of clarity, I realized just how ludicrous my behavior was and I too burst out laughing. To this day, we still laugh about that.
The bottom line is we can’t take ourselves too seriously and we must look for humor in the midst of heated moments. Proverbs 17:22 tells us a cheerful heart is good medicine and I believe that a good laugh with your beloved can cover a multitude of irritations.
We have to fight together against those things that war against us, not to fight against each other.
Finally, whether in tension or in joy, you and your spouse are on the same team. We are adamant to remind our kids we are Team DeStefano. No matter what happens, we are a team, a family. No matter what happens in our marriage, we are committed to each other, to our team. We have to fight together against those things that war against us, not to fight against each other. Romans 12:16 instructs us to live in harmony with one another. In no place is that more critical than a marriage relationship. It’s hard and dare I say impossible without the power of the Holy Spirit. So many things come against marriages. I believe the family is a real target for the enemy. We must pursue what makes for peace (Romans 14:19).
What makes peace in your home?
Is it taking a breather when an argument is started? Is it making love to your spouse? Is it finding a spare moment to play a game together after the kids go to bed? Is it turning off the tv/phone/device to have a real conversation about the things that are bothering you? You must find ways to see your spouse as God sees him or her and maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:3)
For us, we find that when we’re nitpicking at each other, it’s usually because we’re disconnected. When we take the time to intentionally connect with each other, emotionally, spiritually and physically, we argue a lot less about stupid things. We have much more clarity about our reality and so much more grace for each other.
Nobody wants your marriage to succeed more than our Heavenly Father! Marriage was His great idea and “what God has joined together” is good and worth fighting for!
~ Stacey DeStefano
Related Article: Restoring the Peace When You + Your Spouse Are Having A Different Quarantine Experience
Photo by Lucas Lenzi on Unsplash
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